walkI just got back from an hour long walk on the beach. It was glorious! The mornings here this time of year can be spectacular. The color of the sky just after the sun came up was this raspberry/orange sherbert color. The temperature was that perfect level where it doesnt register as hot or cold on my skin.
The tide was going out, so there were little waves softly breaking.....sigh....it was great.
The funny thing there is, I have a tendancy to talk to myself when I go on those walks. I looked up a few times, and saw someone walking towards me looking at me kind of funny...but so what....fuck them.
Its supposed to be in the 80's today and then in the 50/60's tomorrow.
I feel good.
I really feel good.
No smokes!!
I have managed to reduce my food intake...a little. I have kind of been keeping track of how much I eat. That and when I go to buy something, I have been cutting it either in half of 3/4. I noticed that my body seems to not know when I am full. There have been times when I have consumed ,easy, in excess of 4 cups (the average volume in a stomach) and not felt full.
I have to really concentrate when that happens as I can still actually feel hugry afterwards, to not continue eating.
I weiged myself, again, yesterday the scale said 228lbs. That means I would have gained four lbs since last Tuesday.
On that note...I need to go shower....I smell like sweaty man dude.
XOXO
Mahkie
I have been trying for days to come up with something of any interest to write, and I keep coming up with nothing. I think I have my first officail case of blogblock (try saying that three times fast!).
I use two other blog sites...Myspace and Yahoo360. The Yahoo one is like a sex thing. The three or four dudes that hooked me up to it use it for that, so all of their chums use it for that, so all of the hits that I got way back when were of a naughty nature. AND since I didnt use it that much, it would seem that all of those dudes think I am a snob, and now wont email me......hah!! Myspace has not been responding very well either, so that can be frustrating, too. I go to post a blog and it doenst work. I go to read or send an email and that doesnt work!! It can be a bummer.
I am still not smoking. I did smoke on Saturday night, but, I have had none since then, and still have not had any craving to smoke. Its been going well, but I think there was a "high" that went with the not smoking. All last week I was floating on cloud nine. Well that cloud has since moved on and now I am back to normal. I still feel better but, I liked it better when I was all "wow" and stuff!! Or, I could just be getting a cold as everyone in my office has been sneezing, and coughing all over the place.
So, back to the gym! My legs still hurt from Saturday, but thats okay.
Anyone watch Hero's last night??
Ciao for now!!
XXOO
Mark
I smoked.
I went over to a friends house, and hung with him and a fellow that he is now dating. They both smoke, and I was nervous as hell, because they are both 30 years old with matching waist sizes, and I felt like an old, fat, child molester, or something similar to that. Good grief!! Not to mention I drank a few BL's, and was feeling bloated as a water logged whale corpse. It was a fun night, though. We had a bunch of laughs, and all was jolly.
"In an unrelated story....", I got a phone call shortly after I got home from another friend of mine. This other friend moved in his boyfriend about two months ago. They have been seeing each other for quite a while, and all was going 5 by 5 from everything that I could see. The call last night was my friend being all beside himself, because now that the new BF had moved in, he was no longer interested.
To throw a little history your way Gary (my friend) dates like nobody else I know, or have ever known for that matter. Gary is a handsome guy, successful, funny and very smart. He dates hotties, hot-the fuck-ties. Most of the dudes that he dates could easily fit into that "untouchable" group of men. Most of the time, these relationships don't work out, and I hear about the "why" after wards, and, they are reasons that anyone would stop dating someone. So its all good.
What kind of caught me off guard last night was, the was kind of a big hoo ha involved in getting the boyfriend moved in. There were trucks, and boxes, and cramping, and planning, and money, and job changes and shit like that. I lot of work and planning went into it and NOW Gary is having second thoughts.
The whole time Gary was telling me this on the phone, I was sitting on my bed with my hand covering my mouth in shock. Gary was kind of laughing about the whole thing, like it wasn't that big of a deal, but the whole time all I could think of was "What if I was Matt (the boyfriend), and Gary dropped this on me.
Before I answer that question I have to say that I don't know that much about Matt. He and I have met a few times, and never spent any quality time together. Most of the times he and I have been alone together, I was to busy feeling inadequate and disgusting to worry about anything else, although, he a seemed genuinely sweet, and he laughed at most of my jokes. He left a, from what I was told, bad relationship to hook up with Gary, and like I said, a lot of trouble went into the two of them moving in together.
I have to HOPE, that Gary is just nervous, and maybe somewhat over-loaded by the fact that he has committed to something when he would be perfectly happy being single and that maybe, when shit cools down, he will feel a little better about things.
Now, how would I feel, if I was Matt? Knowing that I am somewhat of an over emotional, drama induced freak......honestly, I would crumble.
But herein lies my dilemma: If Gary is really, I mean really, not interested, should he say in the relationship? I have to say no, and I mean no.
The conversation ended with me asking Gary why he didn't wait until he was sure about how he felt, and he never really answered me. I was really tired and wanted to go to bed, and told Gary that I would talk to him later.
There is a part me of that is wicked jealous of Gary and his ability to date the kind of guy that he really wants. Meanwhile, I sit home not able to date a calendar, and he goes through men faster than I go through underwear. I love and care for Gary dearly, but there is a part of me that wants to say that he was being a little irresponsible here.
Am I being an ass?
Anyway, that's that. I have to go and cough up some tar!!
XOXO
Mahkie
There is just something about Provincetown.
As gay people we live under the constant weight of opression. There are places that considerably lighten this burden. Ptown is one of them.
Nowhere else do I feel as free to be me.
Friday night, I tentetively went to my favorite bar...The Vault. A man immediately caught my eye. He was maybe in his late forties early fifties, tight swimmers build thik black hair, and bright blue eyes. We made eyes at each other, but, I was nervous, and didnt make a move. Another man intercepted me, but, there was not click with him. Shortly after the other man and I made contact. He walke up to me, we exchanged a few words and then we started kissing. He was a great kisser, he tasted, felt, and smelled of man. We had a wonderfull hot time, and then he went back to his boyfriend.
I am totally okay with that.
Saturday was a little more tame. The couple that I went with was arguing, and that kind of thing can suck the life out of me. We went out and had a good time.
I am so happy I went.
The bummer is, a light goes on in me when I go there. As we were driving out, I could feel that light go out. There is just not a freedom here. I hate it when that light goes out.
Sacrifice and Discipline.
My world changes tomorrow.
I can do it.........right?
XOOX
Mark
Since the weekend of the fourth of July, I have been sunk in a depression. It started after a party I went to that day, and seemd to grow and grow over the weeks following, and had me mired in it very deeply. A lot of it had to do with the usual feelings of inadequecy (SP). Boston is such a little city, but for gay men, there is such a line that you are expected to be on one side of. You are expected to be hot, financailly stable, and a sex machine.
I am none of these things.
Now, before all of the cyber hugs start flowing let me say that I am fine, and have pulled out of the depression and are getting on with my life. Yeah, I dont have head of thick hair, or beauiful blue/green/gray eyes. My body fat percentage is higer than 3% (much higher), and my bicpets dont measure 15 inches around, and I am 36 making 30k a year.
But so what?!?
You know, I have overcome a lot of things. A year ago, I was homeles, jobless, and hopeless. I am none of these things anymore. I have the option to change anything I want about myself, and I know I have the strengh to do it.
So there!
I feel good.
I really do.
Yay me!!
